Beliefs
by shi-chan
Summary: GenRai Sometimes, having beliefs and a just a little faith in happiness can keep one from losing themselves to the dark life of a shinobi.


I do not own Naruto. They belong to Kishimoto-san. Don't sue.

**BELIEFS**

In the ninja world, it was very easy to forget what one held dear, what one dreamed of and sometimes, faith and the ability to believe in miracles , leaving a hollow and empty feeling of bitterness. It was always easy to surrender to bitterness. But to find the initial belief that was once carried before receiving the forehead protector was almost as difficult as reviving a dead loved one.

There were many who already lost that belief, merely functioning due to duty. Raidou knew these people for he met them everyday. When he saw people like Kakashi, Iruka, Genma and so on, he felt pity.

Raidou knew Kakashi lost everything he had under the sun. When he lost his father, he had his mentor and his cell teammates. When those disappeared, he gained his students. But now, no one was left; one being a traitor, the other two training under two of the legendary three. Kakashi did keep a front but Raidou could see the hollowness in the single exposed dark eye whenever he interacted with the man. It was there, Raidou knew, the desperation of wanting someone, some sort of calm in the midst of his stormy life. What saddened Raidou even more was that Kakashi was afraid of looking around again, afraid of losing.

Raidou understood the fear. He knew that fear because he carried the very same fear in his soul.

Raidou knew Iruka lost his family and whatever form of it since he was young. He knew and saw how Iruka would look at his younger charges and protect those that were alone, and help those that had family still; anything to keep them from going through what he did. Raidou liked that sincerity but he still felt pity for him. Because while Iruka supported those around him, he shut himself off from the small pleasures in life that would have helped him recover somewhat, if only the Chuunin would look around him some more. Naruto's absence seemed to have affected Iruka the most; Raidou didn't see this as a loss but as a test. He was sorry for Iruka who didn't seem to see it this way. He was hollow, just like Kakashi and the others.

Raidou himself didn't go through an easy life.

He didn't know his father who died during service when he was only five months old. His mother, a kunoichi followed his father's death when he hit the age of three. His elder sister was the one who raised him, opting to work as a medic nin. He made many friends and comrades but none were alive; for a specific time period, he grew distant from everyone around him. His sister warned him of this, told him it was easy to give up on people and on the belief of happiness itself, but it was difficult to believe in finding it. He was young and he was bitter and he never listened to her, gradually becoming a quiet individual. Raidou called her a hypocrite for she had no one, accused her of preaching words that would never be reality. She understood and took the verbal blows like the brave warrior and medic she was; she smiled, held Raidou close and simply said,

_"Just because I'm not looking for it now, doesn't mean I don't believe in it, Raidou. My happiness is you." _

Raidou cried then and he still cried now only with no tears while he looked at the cenotaph, reading his sister's name and all those who died before her.

Raidou knew well that he was hollow, because he could feel it gnawing at the back of his head. He felt it consuming him slowly and just looking at his peers and seeing their hollowed self was enough for him to simply give up and live the life of a shinobi the way the code does.

But he did not give up.

Everyday, Raidou would look at the mirror and hate the dead circles with in his eyes. He'd despise how his facial muscles became too tight and too serious. His sister died knowing that he was with her; she died peacefully in battle, knowing that he was at home, safe.

Raidou wanted to die like her. He wanted the knowledge that he did have someone. He wanted to feel happiness again even after losing so much.

That's what makes him different from Kakashi. That's what keeps him on a different level from Iruka. It's what makes him standout from the rest.

That belief inside him was still alive, if barely. Being there was what counted and Raidou would remind himself everyday in front of his bathroom mirror that he wanted to be happy; that the current day was not going to pass by in vain.

Everything was okay and will continue to be okay, so as long as he kept believing.

Easier said than done ...

XXX

Raidou set his sake cup down, watching as Genma spoke to a young ANBU cadet in the corner of the bar. Judging from the ANBU's facial reaction, the words spewing out of Genma's mouth was anything but soft. Raidou sighed and looked away, wondering how long it would take _this_ time before Genma came back to his barstool and resume to drink himself to a drunken stupor.

It didn't take more than two minutes it seems. Genma sat, ordered the strongest sake in the bar house and gulped half the jar before turning to look at Raidou. Raidou didn't ask, but he disapproved of Genma's break up with the young cadet. It was always like this. Genma would be with someone for two or three days, five being the maximum and then he'd break with them. Raidou doubted there was a single ninja - male or female - that Genma didn't sleep with yet. Raidou wasn't on the list yet and he didn't want to be if it was going to end like everyone else.

Raidou didn't deserve it, and neither did the rest.

"Again?" Raidou asked, not even looking at Genma while he chewed on some of the pretzels that lay between them.

"Don't start with me Raidou." Genma grumbled, pouring himself another cup.

"They don't deserve it." Raidou said, motioning for the barman for his bill. "They deserve better."

Genma laughed dryly, raising a cup at Raidou. "Oh? You pity me don't you?"

"Yes." Raidou didn't deny it. He was tired of Genma's antics. He was tired of watching male or female after another feeling bitter and angry towards Genma. It hurt to watch them.

"Spare me." Genma grumbled, eyes narrowing as he downed his cup.

Raidou counted the paper bills and handed it to the barman, waiting for his change. "No. Not anymore Genma. If you're feeling very bitter for yourself, spare the rest. They don't deserve this treatment from you."

"You're one to talk." Genma said, coughing as he swallowed to fast. "You're not even trying to be with anyone. You're so busy being alone. If there's anyone who's pitiful right now, it's you."

Raidou didn't flinch from the words. He thanked the barman, tucked his change away and simple _looked_ at Genma. "At least I'm not blinded by my own bitterness. I do have someone, Genma. It's just that, sometimes I wonder why should I bother when that person is so busy being blind and deaf to everything around him."

Genma counted his money and left it on the bar top. "You're talking funny again."

"You're drunk. Come on, let's get you home." Raidou sighed and helped Genma to his own apartment, pulling him away from lamp posts before he walked right in to them.

"Raidou." Genma sighed, dropping on the bed, face in his pillow.

Raidou turned to look at him from the bedroom doorway. "Yeah?"

"Good night." Genma lifted a few fingers in an attempt to wave.

Raidou shook his head, feeling some sort of hurt swallow him. Partially it being self pity, the others being either cowardice or doubt. "Night."

XXX

The next few days, things were a bit odd between Raidou and Genma. Raidou didn't pursue the matter, thinking that Genma must feel negative towards him for being against the way Genma handled his personal relationships. Things continued being so, both taking missions separately as much as possible.

Raidou knew he could have avoided such a setting, that he could have chosen to go on mission with Genma. Before he was even aware of it, he was trying to avoid Genma, to 'give him space' to think of his words. It wasn't like Genma was very happy with him either. It didn't matter if Genma was sulking or doing mutiny to their friendship because of what he believed in. Raidou didn't care. But he'd be lying if he said that it didn't hurt.

Sighing, Raidou shook his head and vowed to fix things. They were friends weren't they? Raidou wondered if Genma viewed him as insignificant as the others; someone that was just there for kicks, because if Genma can easily throw friendship away simply because he disagreed with something Raidou felt, then it wasn't fair. Raidou felt insignificant, worthless and used.

The jounin in front of him left as Raidou stepped forward and handed his mission report to Iruka.

"Thank you for your hard work." Iruka said a few minutes later. "Everything seems to be in order. I'll take it from here."

Raidou looked at Iruka's eyes and was suddenly reminded of his self pity. He always remembered his self pity whenever he met a hollowed person. "Iruka-sensei?"

Iruka looked up, blinking. "Yes, Raidou-san?"

Raidou felt the words ready to spill out but he smiled a bit instead and shrugged. "Naruto will come back."

Iruka blinked again, slower and then looked away. "One day."

"Sensei?" Raidou said again in a lower voice, looking serious. Iruka looked up, eyes mirroring even more hollowed bitterness. "Believe."

"It's not easy." Iruka dropped his gaze, looking at the scroll he was clutching a bit too tightly.

"I know, sensei." Raidou sighed a shaky breath. "But it's not a reason to give up."

Iruka smiled a bit, looking up at Raidou once more. "Easier said than done, Raidou-san."

"Prove it wrong then. Naruto, I believe, would have said the same." Raidou offered a small smile at Iruka's slightly surprised expression. "Genma came back?"

The change of topic was something Iruka welcome. The Chuunin's expression though remained a bit more colorful than the hollowed one before. "Yes. During lunch time."

"Thank you, sensei." Raidou said, dipping his head in a polite bow and turning to leave.

"Have a nice day, Raidou-san." Iruka said, pleasantly offering a smile before resuming his desk job.

XXX

Raidou found himself staring at his sandwich on the roof of the Administration building. He saw Genma earlier chatting with another man and from the expression on the man's face, it was another break-up. Raidou lost all intent on talking and asking Genma to join him for lunch. He felt for that man, a few years his junior. Worst of all, he felt for Genma. His reputation as a user was growing steadily. It wasn't something uncommon. Shinobi snapped and crumbled from time to time; they just had different outlets is all.

Raidou stared at his bitten sandwich before tossing it in to the trashcan. It didn't take long before a few crows gathered by the trashcan – scavengers, Genma called them – and started picking at the food Raidou just threw away. More crows joined the gathering, each one picking over the other for a bigger chunk of food.

As Raidou watched them argue, he couldn't help but think of Genma. Genma _was_ a good man. But like the trashcan, he was merely remains and discarded things of what he _used_ to be. The crows were all the negative things any shinobi faced. Watching the crows, Raidou couldn't help but chuckle at the irony. He turned a bitter smile towards the horizon, knowing that if Genma _ever_ found out that he was making a mental-reference to him with a trashcan, he'd get a beating.

Then it was all so funny and ridiculously sad because Raidou, despite his wheezing laughing fit, knew that Genma would no longer care.

He wasn't the old Genma anymore …

XXX

The next time Raidou really saw Genma face to face was at the cenotaph. Genma was glaring at the names so hard that if marble could melt, it would have. Raidou rarely saw Genma offer prayers to the dead, let alone visit the memorial.

"Hey." Raidou greeted, opting to not pat the man's back.

"They're dead."

Raidou looked at the memorial and saw two new names engraved in. It was also then did he notice that Genma had a bandaged arm. "Yes. They have been for quite some time."

"Wise ass, aren't you?" A touch of annoyance was lacing through Genma's tone, as he threw a slightly off look towards Raidou through the memorial's reflective surface.

"They died with purpose, Genma. Don't give them pissed-off looks." Raidou mumbled, opting to keep a few feet between him and Genma.

Provoked, Genma turned over his shoulder and glared at the man behind him. "Pissed-off looks? What would you know about it?"

"You're glaring at their names."

Genma faced him completely. "You're so full of shit, did you know that?" Raidou was not provoked and instead, he looked upon Genma with disappointment. "Stop looking that way!"

Raidou didn't flinch. If possible, his disappointment increased ten-fold. "Genma, give the dead respect."

"Stop looking at me that way! You of all people!"

There was a slight tremble in Genma's voice that Raidou didn't fail to notice. "Genma –"

"Shut up! You are such a dick!" Genma stood up to his full height and grabbed Raidou by his flak-jacket collar. Raidou, in defense, grabbed at Genma's arm, but even though injured, Genma's strength was something else. Using leverage, Genma managed to push Raidou on his knees and hold his face right over the cenotaph, so that the reflection was clearer. "Look at you!"

"I am looking! You fuck, what the hell are you doing?"

"Take a good look at yourself before you look at me that way again, jerk!"

Raidou glared at nothing from his kneeling position and closed his eyes instead. "How very grown up of you."

"Grown up huh. You're the one ignoring me." Genma released Raidou and took a step back.

"Oh, I'm ignoring you?" Raidou stood up and looked at Genma. "You're the one going around like a call-boy –"

"What!"

"– using people then dumping them for whatever reason and when I tell you so –"

"Call-boy!"

"- you start to ignore me. You're a grown up –"

"Is that what you really think of me?"

Raidou paused and looked over at him. "I am afraid for you, Genma. Why are you doing this?" Genma had no reply to that. "Thought so. Next time you visit, at least offer a prayer rather than vent your anger on the dead." Raidou left Genma behind him, hands in his pocket. Raidou kept walking ahead before stopping. He hesitated and turned back towards Genma. "Damnit!"

Genma was still standing before the memorial, looking at the grass. "What now?"

"Come on." Raidou stepped beside him. "Let's get you home."

Genma surprisingly listened and allowed the older Jounin to take him home. Raidou tucked him on the couch. Genma kept staring at him before pulling him close, meshing their lips together in a hungry kiss. Raidou's eyes flew open at the gesture, body instinctively moving back but Genma had arms around his neck and he was trapped. Genma's lips and tongue moved with hungry passion against his slack mouth; partly from surprise and partly because he wanted Genma to kiss him.

When Raidou found himself kissing Genma back, his mind screamed for him to stop. Genma was already half sitting from his previous lying position and was clinging to him like a life boat. Genma's hands moved to unzip Raidou's flak jacket and it was then did Raidou grab Genma's elbows and forced himself to break the kiss.

"No. No, you can't." Raidou moved back, forcing some distance between the both of them.

"Fuck it, Raidou. You kissed back."

"I shouldn't have."

Genma wrenched his arms free from Raidou's hold. "The hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Listen to yourself! Look at yourself! I can't kiss you this way! I can't like you when you're like this!" Raidou snapped. "I'm not someone you're going to throw away come three or five days, Genma. I deserve better than that. And all the others too."

Genma seemed to prefer to stare at him. "You kissed back, Raidou. That doesn't change anything."

"I want to kiss you again." Raidou said, surprising even himself at how easily the words rolled out of his tongue. "But not when you're so …" Raidou looked away, not wanting to say the word 'hollow' out loud.

"Empty? Dead? When I'm so shinobi-like?" Genma offered, pulling his forehead protector off and tossing it on the table behind him. "Maybe I should have mashed your face in to the stone earlier." Genma looked so bitter that Raidou had to force himself to look at the man's face.

"I know I am, Genma. I never denied it." Raidou said quietly. "But that doesn't mean I don't believe that I can't find happiness. Shinobi or not."

"Cut the bullshit!" Genma glared at him. "Happiness? It's one hell of a fucking good genjutsu that some asswipe invented. And you actually believe in it? What are you, Alice in Wonderland? Wake up!"

"So what? What's wrong with believing I can find it?"

"You're such a kid Raidou. One day, you're going to die in the field without anything. And you really believe we can have happiness? Name one happy-pony that you've met that didn't die either going nuts or getting mutilated to bits by the enemy."

"That's not my point." Raidou sounded like he was giving up.

"Was there ever a point to start with?"

"Yes! Damnit, so what? What's so bad with hoping? It's the only thing that we have left! If it's so selfish to hope, then we should have never been born. Just because you don't believe in it, doesn't mean I have to either. But that's just the thing." Raidou looked like he was going to crack under the pressure beating down his shoulders. "What's the point of being happy in a relationship with you, when you don't even want to feel the emotion itself?"

"You're nuts."

"A nut with beliefs." Raidou stood up and headed for the door. "Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with you." Raidou gave a small bitter chuckle, giving Genma his back and pulling the door open. "Maybe it's just that I don't want to lose you. Especially not to yourself."

Without another word, Raidou closed the door behind him.

XXX

It was on one evening, nearly a month later since Raidou walked out from Genma's apartment did they speak again. Even though they bumped in to each other either in the mission room or in the streets, both opted not to linger around each other after the verbal spat they had. They took their missions separately, Raidou opting to work with Shizune and Genma with Iwashi.

Raidou was facing the trees in a clearing within the forest training area after a long day of work, relaxing in the cool evening when he heard the uneven fall of footsteps. He didn't need to turn to know it was Genma who was limping towards him.

Raidou spared his friend a glance, noting his limp was due to the thigh wound. The gauze covering Genma's temple along with the bandages on his entire left arm didn't go unnoticed. Raidou didn't say anything as Genma looked down at him.

"Kenichi is dead. Earlier. Mission and all."

Raidou could feel his eyes widen. Kenichi was one of the funniest people Raidou knew and the news saddened him. "I see."

"Stab wound in the stomach, long sword. We couldn't reach Konoha in time." Genma looked like he was trying not to collapse. Raidou made space for Genma but the younger man was busy looking at a spot on the grass. "Poisoning and all. Stomach acids or some shit."

"I'm sorry."

"It's normal I guess. Death like that. For people like us." Genma motioned to the both of them and swallowed to clear his seemingly dry throat. "He – He said he was happy." Genma's voice cracked at the adjective, lip trembling a bit. "How the fuck can he be happy with a hole in his gut? That fuck!" Raidou took Genma's uninjured hand and pulled him down to sit beside him. Genma shook from the death of their comrade. "It was a big hole. We tried to stop the bleeding. And he kept babbling shit! Saying that he was goddamn happy to have had a goddamn four year old kid back home with his stupid wife! That – That was he wasn't fucking alone in the fucking end!"

Raidou understood what Genma's inner self was trying to say as the young man pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes and shook hard, gritting his teeth as tears leaked through the corners of his eyes. Raidou never expected to see Genma cry and all he could do was offer the man a shoulder, holding him close and pulling the forehead protector off as the man wept at his neck.

"I don't want to be alone." Genma finally sobbed out.

That was when Raidou knew Genma would be all right; Kenichi's death somehow brought back just a little faith in Genma when everything was already as black as a crow's wings.

In the cool air, little golden glows started emerging from the trees, floating till it covered the entire forest area. Staring at the fireflies, Raidou couldn't help but look back down at Genma and smile at his friend. "Look Genma. Fireflies."

Genma looked at the fireflies, tears drying in the night air. A small sniff later, he smiled a bit. "Yeah. Fireflies."

FIN

This piece was inspired by Oprah's show when she featured Faith Hill and the making of her new album. It was an old rerun and this piece was left hanging half done in my PC for too long. To be more precise, the following lyrics from Faith Hill's song are what moved me to write this.

_I believe in fairytales and dreamers dreams like bed sheet sails  
And I believe in peter pan and miracles  
And anything I can to get by  
And fireflies..._

- Faith Hill; Fireflies

The name Kenichi was given to me by Kagaya. My thanks to her.

Stomach wound can cause poisoning. I got that bit of info off from 'The Da Vinci Code'. If you haven't read it, then I won't say anything. To those who did, you'll know from the first chapter itself what reference I'm talking about. Backup reading also obtained from Wikipedia.

Another one shot. I should un-lazy myself more often.

First step to making yourself feel better is to acknowledge that you need someone to help you and that you can't do it by yourself. That's what I think …


End file.
